Harold Robert Meyer and The ADD Resource Center 03/02/2025
Grief is a deeply personal experience that affects individuals in unique ways. While everyone processes loss differently, research suggests that gender can influence how people express and manage their grief. When partners in a relationship experience shared grief, these differences can either strengthen their bond or create distance between them. This report examines the nature of gender-based grief responses, the factors that influence these differences, and how couples can navigate grief together effectively despite differing grieving styles.
Understanding Gendered Grief Responses
Research indicates that men and women often exhibit different patterns in how they process and express grief. According to clinical observations, women tend to grieve in what is called an “intuitive” fashion, while men more commonly display an “instrumental” approach to grief. These terms, coined by Dr. Terry Martin and Dr. Ken Doka in their book “Men Don’t Cry, Women Do,” describe two distinct grieving styles that exist across a continuum rather than as rigid categories.
An intuitive style of grieving involves intensely experienced feelings where the bereaved individual has strong affective reactions that mirror their inner emotional state. People who grieve intuitively may experience prolonged periods of confusion, have difficulty focusing and concentrating, frequently feel disorganized, and experience physical exhaustion and anxiety. Their grief typically has a strong emotional component that is outwardly expressed.
In contrast, the instrumental style of grieving, more commonly observed in men, tends to be characterized by cognitive processing rather than emotional expression. Men often explore and discuss their experiences using cognitive processes rather than focusing on the emotional aspects. This difference doesn’t indicate less pain or attachment, but rather a different manifestation of grief that is influenced by multiple factors.
It’s important to note that these patterns exist on a spectrum, and individuals may exhibit aspects of both styles. As explained by grief experts, “people are more likely to grieve in a manner that resembles their way of dealing with life in general”6. This means that some women may grieve in more masculine ways, while some men may express grief in more feminine patterns, depending on their personality, coping strategies, and life experiences.
Grief Trajectories and Timeline Differences
Research has also identified potential differences in how grief progresses over time between genders. In a study examining prolonged grief trajectories, researchers found that “men expressed prolonged grief as an acute, decreasing reaction, whereas women showed an adjourned, mounting grief reaction”. This suggests that not only the expression but also the timeline of grief may differ between men and women, with potential implications for how couples navigate their shared grief journey.
Factors Influencing Gender-Based Grief Responses
Multiple factors contribute to the differences observed in how men and women experience and express grief, including biological, historical, and social influences.
Biological Influences
Differences in brain structure may account for some aspects of gendered grief responses. Women typically have a more developed vocabulary for grief and often experience a stronger need to communicate their emotional experiences with others. However, men generally explore and process their experiences using cognitive rather than emotional ones.
Biological differences also contribute to variations in physical expressions of grief, such as crying. The physiological mechanisms that control crying differ between men and women, which partly explains why men tend to cry less frequently than women when grieving. However, it’s crucial to understand that “the absence of tears does not equate to the absence of pain”. Men may be experiencing profound grief without displaying the tears that are often considered the universal sign of mourning.
Historical and Social Factors
Historical gender roles have significantly shaped how men and women approach grief. Traditionally, men have been positioned as protectors and providers, roles that can override their own emotional experience of loss. When facing a crisis like the death of a loved one, many men automatically shift into this protector mode, focusing on caring for others and shielding them from further pain rather than processing their own grief.
In contrast, women’s historical roles have centered around nurturing and caregiving, which often includes emotional labor and seeking connection with others for comfort. These historical patterns continue to influence how individuals approach grief, even as gender roles evolve in contemporary society.
Social conditioning also plays a substantial role in grief responses. Boys, particularly in previous generations, have often been discouraged from crying or showing emotion. Male activities typically focus on action rather than emotional expression, and public displays of emotion by men are frequently not socially accepted. These social expectations create a framework where men learn to process grief internally rather than externally.
Society places numerous expectations on men that can become particularly burdensome during grief: “A man in our society is expected to: Be in control, be rational, be courageous, be assertive, be a provider, be competitive, be sexually potent, be able to bear pain, accomplish tasks and achieve goals, express anger and endure stress without giving up”2. When a man is grieving deeply, these societal expectations can become unrealistic and extremely difficult to cope with, adding an additional layer of complexity to the grieving process.
How Shared Grief Impacts Couple Relationships
When both partners experience grief simultaneously, such as after the loss of a child, a mutual friend, or a family member, the relationship dynamics can change profoundly. Shared grief creates a complex emotional landscape that couples must navigate together, often with different grieving styles at play.
The Potential for Connection or Division
Shared grief can either bring couples closer together or drive them apart, depending on how they manage their different grieving styles and support each other through the process. When partners recognize and respect each other’s unique way of grieving, the shared experience can create a special bond as they understand each other’s pain and find comfort in shared memories.
However, the grief process can also create division and separation between partners. Many couples report feeling disconnected or even alienated from one another during grief, despite experiencing the same loss. This is particularly common when grieving the death of a child, where partners’ different grieving styles can be especially pronounced and sometimes misinterpreted as a difference in caring or attachment.
As Anne Morrow Lindbergh powerfully describes: “He learned then about the isolation of grief, even for those in the same grief. Grief can’t be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way”. This sentiment captures the profound challenge that couples face when grieving together—the tension between a shared experience and an inherently individual process.
Misunderstanding Different Grief Expressions
One of the primary challenges for couples experiencing shared grief is the tendency to evaluate their partner’s grieving process based on their own grieving style. Each person may expect the other to behave as they do—a partner who cries expects the other to cry also, or a husband who prefers not to talk may think there’s no need for his wife to talk either.
This expectation often stems from an unspoken assumption that a spouse’s grief will be validated by how the other spouse grieves. When these expectations aren’t met, misunderstandings can arise. For example, a bereaved mother might be so distraught that she cannot get out of bed, while her husband is dressed and at work early in the morning. This difference can lead to painful questions like “How can you go to work? Aren’t you upset? Didn’t you love our son? How come you’re not dealing with this the way I am?”1.
Such misunderstandings can exacerbate the grief experience and create additional stress in the relationship during an already difficult time. The intensity of shared grief can exhaust couples both physically and emotionally, making it harder to support each other effectively.
Communication Challenges During Grief
Grief significantly affects communication within a relationship, and when both partners are grieving, these challenges are magnified. Partners may find it difficult to express their needs or understand their partner’s emotional state. Some couples report feeling like they are “walking on eggshells,” afraid to upset their partner or trigger painful emotions3.
When grieving styles differ—for instance, if one partner needs to talk about the loss constantly while the other processes it silently—this can create communication barriers that further isolate each partner in their grief. One might retreat into their own grief and become disconnected from the other during intense emotional periods.
Navigating the Grief Journey Together
Despite the challenges, couples can learn to navigate grief together in ways that strengthen their relationship. Understanding and accommodating different grieving styles is central to this process.
Recognizing and Respecting Different Grieving Styles
The first step for couples is to recognize that there is no single “right way” to grieve. Neither the masculine nor the feminine approach to grief is better than the other; they are simply different ways of processing and expressing loss. Acknowledging that each person’s grief is valid, regardless of how it manifests, creates space for both partners to grieve authentically.
Couples benefit from understanding that their grieving reactions will vary depending on several factors: individual personality, previous experiences with loss, cultural roles inherited from their families, the specific person who passed away, the manner of death, and the unique relationship each had with the deceased. These factors shape each partner’s grief journey and explain why even couples grieving the same loss may experience that grief very differently.
The Value of Continuing Bonds
A helpful concept for many grieving couples is the theory of “continuing bonds,” which suggests that it’s normal and healthy to maintain a connection with a deceased loved one rather than seeking to “move on” or “let go”. This perspective acknowledges that grief is ongoing rather than something one “gets through,” and validates the desire to stay connected with the person who has died.
The continuing bonds perspective supports the idea that “grief isn’t something you go through, it’s something that becomes a part of you”. This understanding can be particularly comforting for couples, as it removes the pressure to “get over” grief within a certain timeframe and acknowledges that their relationship with the deceased can evolve and mature over time.
Professional Support for Grieving Couples
Many couples benefit from professional support during shared grief. Therapists who specialize in grief and couples therapy can help partners navigate the complex terrain of grieving together. As noted in the research, couples should “look for a therapist who has experience with couples therapy and grief support. They can help you navigate the relationship dynamics and grief.
Regardless of individual grieving styles, a therapist can work with couples to process grief as a shared journey8. This professional guidance can help partners understand and respect each other’s grief while maintaining their connection during a difficult time.
Conclusion
Gender differences in grief responses are real and meaningful, influenced by biological, historical, and social factors that shape how men and women tend to experience and express loss. While women more commonly grieve in an intuitive, emotionally expressive manner, men often process grief more cognitively and through action. These differences exist on a spectrum rather than as absolute categories, with individual variation playing a significant role in how anyone—regardless of gender—experiences grief.
For couples experiencing shared grief, these differing styles can create both challenges and opportunities. When misunderstood, different grieving patterns can lead to disconnection and additional pain during an already difficult time. However, when partners recognize and respect each other’s unique grief journey, these differences can foster deeper understanding and strengthen the relationship through shared vulnerability.
The journey through grief as a couple requires patience, communication, and a willingness to accept that there is no single correct way to grieve. By honoring each other’s process and seeking appropriate support when needed, couples can navigate the complex landscape of loss together, finding connection even in the inherently individual experience of grief. Through this shared journey, relationships can emerge not only intact but potentially strengthened by the profound understanding that comes from weathering life’s most difficult storms together.
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