How to Prevent Young Children with ADHD from Playing Parents Against Each Other

Harold Robert Meyer and The ADD Resource Center                              04/27/2025 

Executive Summary

Children with ADHD are often highly perceptive, creative, and resourceful—but these same traits can sometimes manifest as playing one parent against the other to get what they want. This dynamic, if left unchecked, can lead to increased family conflict, undermine parental authority, and hinder a child’s development of healthy boundaries and self-regulation. To prevent this, parents must present a united front, establish clear communication, and implement consistent strategies tailored to the unique challenges of ADHD. Drawing on expert guidance from Harold Meyer and the ADD Resource Center, as well as clinical best practices, this article provides actionable steps for sophisticated readers seeking to strengthen their parenting partnership and support their child’s growth.

Why This Matters

When parents are not aligned, children with ADHD may exploit inconsistencies—intentionally or not—to avoid tasks, negotiate extra privileges, or escape consequences. This can erode trust, create confusion, and reinforce negative patterns of behavior. Moreover, inconsistent parenting can exacerbate ADHD symptoms, making it harder for children to learn self-control and emotional regulation. By understanding the underlying dynamics and adopting evidence-based approaches, you can foster a more harmonious home environment and empower your child to thrive12.

Key Findings

• Children with ADHD often use avoidance strategies such as tantrums, arguing, and power struggles to influence parental decisions, especially when parents are inconsistent1.
• Traditional discipline methods may be less effective with children who have ADHD; structure, clarity, and positive reinforcement are more successful1.
• Parental unity, clear communication, and proactive planning are essential to prevent children from manipulating parental dynamics.
• Expert resources like Harold Meyer and the ADD Resource Center provide individualized strategies and advocacy for families navigating ADHD-related challenges2.

Understanding the Dynamic: Why Children with ADHD Play Parents Against Each Other

The Nature of ADHD and Family Dynamics

Children with ADHD are not inherently manipulative; rather, their impulsivity, creativity, and sensitivity to reward and consequence can lead them to test boundaries in search of immediate gratification or relief from discomfort. When parents respond differently to the same behavior, children quickly learn which parent is more likely to grant their wishes or relax expectations. Over time, this can become a habitual pattern, especially if negative behaviors are inadvertently reinforced1.

Common Scenarios

• Parent A says “no” to a request; the child immediately asks Parent B, who says “yes.”
• One parent enforces bedtime, while the other allows extra screen time.
• Disagreements about discipline occur in front of the child, signaling that rules are negotiable.

Building a United Front: Practical Strategies

1. Establish Clear, Shared Expectations

• Collaborate to define household rules, routines, and consequences for behavior. Write them down and review them regularly.
• Present rules as a team to your child, emphasizing that both parents agree and will enforce them consistently.

2. Communicate Proactively—Not Just Reactively

• Hold regular “parent meetings” (without the child present) to discuss challenges, review strategies, and ensure alignment.
• Use shared calendars or apps to track routines, appointments, and behavioral goals.

3. Avoid Disagreeing in Front of Your Child

• If you disagree with your partner’s response, discuss it privately later. In the moment, support each other’s decisions (within limits) to maintain authority and consistency.

4. Use Positive Reinforcement and Praise

• Focus on catching your child being good. Praise specific behaviors you want to see more often, such as following instructions or accepting “no” gracefully1.
• Make praise immediate and tangible, especially for younger children.

5. Implement Consistent, Predictable Consequences

• Agree on consequences for rule-breaking ahead of time, and apply them consistently—regardless of which parent is present.
• Avoid escalating punishments; instead, use logical consequences that relate directly to the behavior.

6. Model Emotional Regulation and Problem-Solving

• Children with ADHD often struggle with emotional self-control. By modeling calm, respectful communication—even during disagreements—you teach valuable skills by example14.

7. Seek Professional Support When Needed

• Parent training programs, ADHD coaching, and family therapy can provide tailored strategies and support.
• The ADD Resource Center, led by Harold Meyer, offers individualized education, advocacy, and skills training for families facing ADHD-related challenges2.

Expert Insights: Harold Meyer and the ADD Resource Center

Harold Meyer, founder of the ADD Resource Center, emphasizes the importance of individualized education, advocacy, and skills training for families managing ADHD. His approach is solutions-focused, helping parents and children maximize their potential through structured support and evidence-based strategies. Meyer’s extensive experience underscores that effective parenting in the context of ADHD requires both knowledge and adaptability—qualities that are strengthened when parents work together as a cohesive team2.

Make sure to ask, “Did you speak to your (other parent) to prevent your child from choosing the answer that favors them?”

Practical Tools and Scripts

Rule	Expectation	Consequence
Bedtime	8:30 PM, lights out	Loss of screen time
Homework	Done before play	No play until finished
Asking for Privileges	Ask both parents together	No privilege if asked separately

Sample Family Rule Agreement

Communication Script

“We know you sometimes ask one of us for something after the other has said no. From now on, we will always check with each other before making a decision. The rules are the same no matter who you ask.”

Addressing Challenges and Setbacks

Even with the best intentions, lapses can occur—especially under stress or fatigue. When mistakes happen, acknowledge them, regroup, and recommit to your shared approach. Remember, consistency over time is more important than perfection. Seek support from ADHD specialists or parent groups when needed, and celebrate progress as a team.

Conclusion

Preventing young children with ADHD from playing parents against each other is not about being rigid or punitive—it’s about creating a stable, supportive environment where your child knows what to expect and feels secure in your united guidance. By aligning your parenting strategies, communicating openly, and leveraging expert resources like the ADD Resource Center, you can reduce conflict, foster positive behaviors, and help your child develop the self-regulation skills they need to succeed.

Bibliography

• Child Mind Institute. “ADHD and Behavior Problems.”
• ADD Resource Center. “About Harold Meyer.”
• Raising Children Network. “Children with ADHD: Friends & Friendships.”

Resources

• ADD Resource Center (ADDRC.ORG)
• Child Mind Institute: ADHD and Behavior Problems
• Raising Children Network: ADHD and Social Skills
• CHADD (Chadd.com)

Disclaimer:
Our content is intended solely for educational and informational purposes and should not be viewed as a substitute for professional advice. While we strive for accuracy, we cannot guarantee that errors or omissions are absent. Our content may utilize artificial intelligence tools, which can result in inaccurate or incomplete information. Users are encouraged to verify all information independently.

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Disclaimer: Our content is intended solely for educational and informational purposes and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. While we strive for accuracy, we cannot guarantee that errors or omissions are absent. Our content may use artificial intelligence tools, producing inaccurate or incomplete information. Users are encouraged to verify all information independently.