Harold Robert Meyer and The ADD Resource Center 01/01/2025
You scroll through social media and see groups of friends at parties, beaches, and restaurants. Your coworkers chat about their weekend plans with their social circles. Even when walking down the street, you notice clusters of people laughing together while you’re walking alone. It seems like everyone around you has more friends than you do—but the reality is more complex than you might think.
The Friendship Paradox
What you’re experiencing has a name: the friendship paradox. First discovered by sociologist Scott Feld in 1991, this mathematical principle shows that most people actually have fewer friends than their friends have. This isn’t just your perception—it’s a statistical reality that occurs because people who have many friends are more likely to be in your social circle than people who have few friends.
Think about it this way: someone with 100 friends appears in 100 people’s friend lists, while someone with just 5 friends appears in only 5 lists. This means the well-connected people are overrepresented in everyone’s social circles, skewing your perception of what’s “normal.”
Social Media’s Distortion Field
Your sense of having fewer friends than others is likely amplified by social media. You’re seeing carefully curated highlights of people’s social lives—the parties, gatherings, and group activities that make for compelling content. What you don’t see are the quiet evenings at home, the cancelled plans, or the periods of loneliness that everyone experiences but rarely shares online.
Remember that those group photos you see might represent someone’s only social gathering that month, but when everyone posts their occasional group activities, it creates an illusion of constant social activity.
Quality Over Quantity
You might be surprised to learn that research suggests the average number of close friends people have is much smaller than you’d expect—typically between 2 and 5. While people might have hundreds of social media connections or casual acquaintances, the number of truly close relationships tends to be quite limited.
The quality of your friendships matters far more than the quantity. One genuine friend who supports you, understands you, and shows up when you need them is worth more than dozens of superficial connections. Deep friendships require time and emotional investment, which naturally limits how many close relationships we can maintain.
The Grass Is Always Greener
You’ve heard the saying “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” This age-old wisdom perfectly captures why you might feel like everyone else has a better social life than you. Just as you might look at your neighbor’s lawn and see only its lush patches while being acutely aware of every brown spot in your own yard, you see others’ social lives through an idealized lens while being intimately familiar with the gaps in your own.
When you find yourself thinking everyone has more friends than you, remember that you’re comparing your complete reality to others’ highlight reels. You know about your own lonely moments, social anxieties, and quiet weekends, but you don’t see these aspects of other people’s lives.
Additionally, different personalities have different social needs. While some people thrive in large social networks, others find deeper satisfaction in a smaller, more intimate circle of friends. There’s no universal “right” number of friends—what matters is whether your social connections fulfill your emotional needs.
Moving Forward
Instead of focusing on the quantity of your friendships, consider these more constructive approaches:
Focus on nurturing the connections you already have. Reach out to existing friends more regularly, plan one-on-one activities, and invest in deepening these relationships.
Be the initiator. Often, other people feel just as hesitant about reaching out. Taking the first step to organize activities or suggest meet-ups can help build and strengthen friendships.
Pursue your interests. Join clubs, classes, or community groups related to your hobbies. This puts you in regular contact with people who share your passions, making meaningful connections more likely.
Practice self-compassion. Remember that feeling like you have fewer friends than others is a common experience, not a personal failure or reflection of your worth.
The next time you catch yourself thinking everyone has more friends than you, pause and remember: this perception is shaped by mathematical principles, social media distortion, and your tendency to compare your complete reality to others’ carefully curated presentations. Focus instead on building and maintaining the kinds of friendships that truly enrich your life, regardless of the number.
Harold Meyer is a leading ADHD expert and author whose work spans books, articles, and practical guides. As a pre-publication reviewer and ADHD Coach Expert, he has shaped contemporary understanding of attention deficit hyperactivity disorders. His insights have been featured in The New York Times Sunday Magazine and at major ADHD conferences, where he regularly speaks on adult ADHD in the workplace.
THE ADD RESOURCE CENTER 01/01/2025
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