When Your Young Child Doesn’t Want to Go to School: A Guide for Parents of Elementary Students

Harold Robert Meyer   https://www.addrc.org/   info@addrc.org   8/28/2024

As a parent, few things are more frustrating and heartbreaking than watching your child struggle with going to school. If your elementary school-aged child resists going to school, you’re not alone. Let’s explore this challenging issue and discover practical strategies to help your family overcome it.

Understanding the “Why” Behind School Refusal

Before we delve into solutions, it’s crucial to understand why your child might not want to go to school. For children aged 6-9, common reasons include:

1. Separation anxiety:
   1. “Mom, I feel sick to my stomach when you leave me at school.”
   1. “What if something bad happens to you while I’m gone?”
   1. “I can’t stop thinking about home when I’m in class.”
2. Bullying:
   1. “James always takes my lunch money and threatens me if I tell.”
   1. “The girls in my class whisper and laugh when I walk by.”
   1. “Nobody wants to be my partner in gym class.”
3. Attention issues:
   1. “The teacher gets upset when I can’t sit still, but I just can’t help it.”
   1. “I always forget what the teacher just said, and then I get in trouble.”
   1. “There are so many distractions in class I can’t concentrate on my work.”
4. Academic struggles:
   1. “Everyone else can read faster than me, and I feel dumb.”
   1. “I don’t understand math, and I’m too embarrassed to ask for help.”
   1. “The teacher calls on me to answer questions, and I freeze up.”
5. Social challenges:
   1. “I tried to join a group at recess, but they told me to go away.”
   1. “Nobody ever wants to sit with me at lunch.”
   1. “I don’t know how to start a conversation with other kids.”
6. Vision issues:
   1. “I get headaches trying to read the small print in my textbooks.”
   1. “I can’t see what’s written on the whiteboard from my desk.”
   1. “The bright lights in the classroom hurt my eyes and make it hard to focus.”
7. Dexterity challenges:
   1. “I’m always the last one to finish writing assignments because my hand gets tired.”
   1. “The other kids laugh when I drop things or bump into desks.”
   1. “I can’t keep up in art class because it’s hard for me to use scissors and glue.”
8. Hearing difficulties:
   1. “There’s so much noise in the classroom, I can’t hear what the teacher is saying.”
   1. “When we watch videos, I can’t understand what people are saying.”
   1. “Group discussions are confusing because everyone talks at once.”
9. Sensory sensitivities:
   1. “The school bell hurts my ears and makes me want to cry.”
   1. “I hate the feeling of the school chairs on my legs.”
   1. “The smell in the cafeteria makes me feel sick.”
10. Fear of failure:
    1. “What if I get a bad grade on the spelling test?”
    1. “I’m scared I’ll mess up during my class presentation.”
    1. “Everyone else seems smarter than me.”
11. Routine disruption:
    1. “We have a substitute teacher today, and I don’t like change.”
    1. “It’s field trip day, and I’m scared of going somewhere new.”
    1. “They changed the lunch menu, and now I don’t know what to eat.”
12. Physical discomfort:
    1. “The chairs are so uncomfortable, my back hurts after sitting all day.”
    1. “I always need to use the bathroom, but I’m afraid to ask.”
    1. “I’m always hungry before lunchtime, and it’s hard to concentrate.”
13. Undiagnosed learning disabilities:
    1. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t remember how to spell words we’ve learned.”
    1. “I understand things when the teacher explains them, but I can’t do the work on my own.”
    1. “Reading out loud is really hard for me, and I’m afraid the other kids will laugh.”
14. Emotional regulation issues:
    1. “I get so angry when things don’t go my way, and then I get in trouble.”
    1. “Sometimes I cry for no reason, and it’s embarrassing.”
    1. “I feel overwhelmed by all the rules and expectations.”
15. Home-related stress:
    1. “My parents were fighting this morning, and now I’m worried about them.”
    1. “We might have to move, and I don’t want to leave my school and friends.”
    1. “I’m tired because my baby sister cries all night, and I can’t sleep.”

Remember, it’s crucial to approach each situation with empathy and open communication. If a child consistently refuses to go to school, it may be helpful to consult with teachers, school counselors, or mental health professionals to identify the root cause and develop appropriate strategies to support the child.

In some cases, school refusal might even be a sign of more serious issues, such as abuse. It’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and open communication.

Practical Strategies: A Step-by-Step Approach

1. Open a dialogue: Create a safe space for your child to express their feelings. Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s the hardest part of your day at school?”
2. Identify triggers: Work with your child to pinpoint specific situations or times that cause anxiety. Is it the morning rush? Lunchtime? A particular subject?
3. Collaborate with the school: Schedule a meeting with your child’s teacher and school counselor. They can provide valuable insights and support.
4. Establish a consistent routine: Create a predictable morning routine to reduce anxiety. Consider using a visual schedule for younger children.
5. Practice coping strategies: Teach your child relaxation techniques like deep breathing or positive self-talk. Role-play challenging scenarios to build confidence.
6. Gradual exposure: If anxiety is severe, work with the school to implement a gradual return plan. Start with shorter days or attending favorite classes.
7. Reinforce positive behaviors: Celebrate small victories and progress. Use a reward system that motivates your child.
8. Address underlying issues: If bullying or learning difficulties are contributing factors, work with the school to develop an action plan.

Expert Advice: What the Research Says

Harold Meyer, Managing Director of The ADD Resource Center (addrc.org) in New York, emphasizes the importance of consistency: Parents need to be firm but supportive. Allowing a child to stay home only reinforces avoidance behavior, especially if they’re “rewarded” with enjoyable activities like video games, streaming, etc. Instead, create a sense of boredom and use it strategically.

Research shows that cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be highly effective in treating school refusal. CBT helps children identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors.

When to Seek Professional Help

If school refusal persists despite your best efforts, it may be time to consult a mental health professional. Consider seeking help if:

• Your child’s anxiety seems severe or unmanageable
• There are signs of depression or other mental health concerns
• School refusal is significantly impacting your child’s education or social development
• You suspect abuse or other serious underlying issues

You’ve Got This, Parents!

Remember, overcoming school refusal is a process that requires patience, consistency, and teamwork. By approaching the situation with empathy and determination, you’re teaching your child valuable life skills that will serve them well beyond their elementary school years.

Stay firm, stay supportive, and don’t hesitate to reach out for help when needed. Together, we can help our children build the confidence and resilience they need to thrive in school and beyond.

Q and A

Edited by Donna Blau, The ADD Resource Center08/27/2024

Q1: What are some common signs of separation anxiety in third graders?

A1: Signs of separation anxiety can include:

   – Complaining of physical symptoms like stomachaches when it’s time for school

   – Expressing worry about parents’ safety while at school

   – Constantly thinking about home during class time

Q2: How might a third grader describe bullying experiences?

A2: A child experiencing bullying might say things like:

   – “James always takes my lunch money and threatens me if I tell.”

   – “The girls in my class whisper and laugh when I walk by.”

   – “Nobody wants to be my partner in gym class.”

Q3: What are some indicators a child might struggle with attention issues?

A3: A child with attention issues might express:

   – Difficulty sitting still, leading to trouble with the teacher

   – Trouble remembering instructions just given by the teacher

   – Feeling overwhelmed by classroom distractions

Q4: How might a third grader describe academic struggles?

A4: A child facing academic challenges might say:

   – “Everyone else can read faster than me, and I feel dumb.”

   – “I don’t understand math, and I’m too embarrassed to ask for help.”

   – “The teacher calls on me to answer questions, and I freeze up.”

Q5: What are some signs of social challenges in school?

A5: A child with social difficulties might express:

   – Being rejected when trying to join groups during recess

   – Feeling isolated during lunch times

   – Difficulty initiating conversations with peers

Q6: How might vision issues manifest in a third grader’s school experience?

A6: A child with vision problems might complain about:

   – Headaches from reading small print in textbooks

   – Inability to see writing on the whiteboard from their desk

   – Discomfort from bright classroom lighting

Q7: What are some ways dexterity challenges could affect a third grader in school?

A7: A child with dexterity issues might experience:

   – Slower completion of writing assignments due to hand fatigue

   – Embarrassment from dropping items or bumping into furniture

   – Difficulty keeping up in classes requiring fine motor skills, like art

Q8: How might hearing difficulties impact a third grader’s school experience?

A8: A child with hearing issues might express:

   – Trouble understanding the teacher due to classroom noise

   – Difficulty comprehending audio in educational videos

   – Confusion during group discussions when multiple people speak at once

Q9: What are some examples of sensory sensitivities that could affect school attendance?

A9: A child with sensory sensitivities might complain about:

   – Distress from loud noises like school bells

   – Discomfort from the texture of school furniture

   – Nausea from strong smells in areas like the cafeteria

Q10: How might fear of failure manifest in a third grader?

A10: A child fearing failure might express:

    – Anxiety about upcoming tests or assignments

    – Fear of making mistakes during class presentations

    – Feelings of inadequacy compared to classmates

Q11: What are some signs that routine disruptions are causing school refusal?

A11: A child struggling with changes might say:

    – “We have a substitute teacher today, and I don’t like change.”

    – “It’s field trip day, and I’m scared of going somewhere new.”

    – “They changed the lunch menu, and now I don’t know what to eat.”

Q12: How might undiagnosed learning disabilities present in a third grader?

A12: A child with an undiagnosed learning disability might express:

    – Persistent difficulty with specific skills despite effort (e.g., spelling)

    – Understanding concepts when explained but struggling to apply them independently

    – Extreme difficulty with tasks like reading aloud

Q13: What are some signs of emotional regulation issues in school?

A13: A child with emotional regulation difficulties might:

    – Have frequent angry outbursts when frustrated

    – Experience unexplained crying episodes

    – Feel overwhelmed by school rules and expectations

Q14: How might home-related stress affect a third grader’s willingness to attend school?

A14: A child experiencing home-related stress might say:

    – “My parents were fighting this morning, and now I’m worried about them.”

    – “We might have to move, and I don’t want to leave my school and friends.”

    – “I’m tired because my baby sister cries all night, and I can’t sleep.”

Q15: What should caregivers do if a child consistently refuses to go to school?

A15: If a child consistently refuses school, caregivers should:

    – Approach the situation with empathy and open communication

    – Consult with teachers and school counselors

    – Consider seeking help from mental health professionals to identify root causes and develop support strategies

Donna M. Blau is an education consultant with over 30 years of experience in the field of general and special education. She has provided advice, interventions and support to professionals, children and their families with regards to treatment and prevention; provides referrals, strategies, evaluations and opportunities in a practical, relevant manner.

Ms. Blau has held numerous positions including a teacher, evaluator, administrator and supervisor in the NYC Department of Education.

In addition to her work with the ADD Resource Center, Ms. Blau worked as a consultant to private educational agencies that provide a variety of services and resources to children from birth through high school age and in both the public and private school setting.

©2024 Harold Robert Meyer – All rights reserved
https://www.addrc.org/ info@addrc.org

Hal Meyer and The ADD Resource Center offer specialized behavioral intervention and educational services for ADHD. They empower adolescents, adults, couples, and their loved ones to manage ADHD symptoms and reach their full potential. They have the expertise to provide personalized guidance and unwavering support on the journey to success.

Harold Robert Meyer /The ADD Resource Center – http://www.addrc.org/ – 646/205.8080 08/28/2024