Why We Repeat Painful Relationship Patterns: A Deep Dive into Post-Divorce Dating with ADHD

PLUS: Breaking Free from Toxic Relationship Patterns 

Professional Support Team Selection 

Harold Robert Meyer and The ADD Resource Center                             01/04/2025   

The Psychology Behind Choosing Familiar Pain 

Our early relationships and attachment patterns create a blueprint for what love “feels like,” even when that blueprint is flawed. For people with ADHD, this pattern becomes more complex due to unique neurological factors: 

• Dopamine-seeking behavior drives them toward familiar relationship dynamics

• Impulsivity can override logical partner selection

• Time blindness makes learning from past relationships harder

• Emotional dysregulation complicates processing relationship trauma

The Self-Punishment Cycle 

Many people unconsciously seek similar difficult relationships as self-sabotage, believing they don’t deserve better. This is especially true for those with ADHD who often carry shame from past relationship struggles and ADHD-related challenges. 

Breaking Free: Practical Strategies 

1. Relationship Inventory Process 

• Document problematic behaviors from past relationships

• Identify emotional triggers and coping mechanisms

• Note ADHD-specific challenges that impacted previous relationships

2. Executive Function Support 

• Set shared calendar reminders for dates and check-ins

• Create clear communication routines

• Establish “relationship stations” with everything needed for quality time

• Use apps that gamify healthy relationship habits

3. Communication Adaptations 

• Practice “time-boxing” discussions to prevent overwhelm

• Use visual aids during serious conversations

• Implement a “pause word” for processing breaks

• Record important conversations (with consent) to review later

4. Managing ADHD-Specific Challenges 

• Schedule “absence alerts” to maintain connection

• Create systems for remembering partner’s preferences

• Balance hyperfocus periods with scheduled relationship time

• Develop a shared “emotional intensity scale”

5. Partner Education and Support 

• Share ADHD resources early in new relationships

• Create a “user manual” for your ADHD brain

• Differentiate between ADHD symptoms and relationship issues

• Plan for and normalize dysregulation episodes

Q&A on Breaking the Cycle 

Q: How do I recognize if I’m repeating patterns? A: Look for similarities in conflicts, communication styles, and emotional triggers between relationships. Journal about current relationship dynamics and compare them to past ones. 

Q: What role does therapy play? A: An ADHD Coach or therapist can help identify unconscious patterns, process trauma, and develop new relationship skills. For those with ADHD, working with a therapist familiar with neurodivergent relationship dynamics is particularly valuable. 

Q: How do I handle financial concerns in new relationships? A: Set up automated systems for shared expenses, use tracking apps, create visual systems for financial decision-making, and plan together for managing impulsive spending tendencies. 

Moving Forward 

The key is understanding that familiarity doesn’t equal compatibility. For those with ADHD, this might mean embracing relationships that initially feel “boring” because they lack familiar chaos. Remember that the goal isn’t avoiding all characteristics of previous partners, but consciously choosing which traits serve your growth while building healthier dynamics. 

Practical Next Steps: 

1. Start with self-awareness work

2. Develop independent interests and support systems

3. Address ADHD-related challenges with appropriate treatment such as CBT therapy and/or ADHD Coaching.

4. Build self-esteem separate from relationship status

5. Create structured approaches to relationship evaluation

The combination of ADHD management strategies and conscious relationship choices creates a foundation for healthier partnerships. Success comes from understanding both your ADHD needs and relationship patterns, then creating systems that support both. 

Breaking Free from Toxic Relationship Patterns 

Professional Support Team Selection 

Primary Care Provider (PCP) 

• Coordinates overall health care

• Manages ADHD medication if prescribed

• Screens for co-occurring conditions

• Provides referrals to specialists

Mental Health Specialists 

Psychiatrist 

• Specializes in medication management

• Diagnoses and treats ADHD

• Addresses co-occurring anxiety/depression

• Particularly important if medication needs adjustment during relationship transitions

Psychologist 

• Provides diagnostic testing

• Offers evidence-based therapy

• Helps develop coping strategies

• Can specialize in both ADHD and relationship counseling

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) 

• Specializes in relationship patterns

• Understands family systems

• Helps navigate co-parenting challenges

• Often experienced with divorce recovery

ADHD Coach 

• Provides practical strategies for daily living

• Helps develop organizational systems

• Supports relationship skill building

• Offers accountability and structure

Specialized Support 

Sex Therapist 

• Addresses intimacy concerns

• Helps navigate ADHD-specific intimacy challenges

• Supports healing from past relationship trauma

• Works with sensory processing issues

Group Therapy Facilitator 

• Leads divorce recovery groups

• Facilitates ADHD support groups

• Provides peer learning opportunities

• Offers community connection

[Previous comprehensive content about relationship patterns and ADHD strategies] 

Creating Your Healthcare Team 

Steps to Build Your Support System: 

1. Start with your PCP for referrals

2. Interview potential therapists about their experience with:

1. ADHD in adults

2. Post-divorce recovery

3. Relationship patterns

3. Check insurance coverage and session frequency needs

4. Consider combination therapy approaches:

1. Individual therapy + group support

2. ADHD coaching + relationship counseling

3. Medication management + therapy

Red Flags When Choosing Providers: 

• Lack of experience with adult ADHD

• Dismissive of ADHD impact on relationships

• One-size-fits-all approach

• Unwillingness to coordinate with other providers

• Limited understanding of neurodivergent relationship dynamics

Questions to Ask Potential Providers: 

1. “What is your experience with adult ADHD?”

2. “How do you approach post-divorce relationship patterns?”

3. “What is your treatment philosophy for neurodivergent clients?”

4. “How do you coordinate care with other providers?”

5. “What role does ADHD play in your treatment approach?”

© 2025 The ADD Resource Center. All rights reserved. 1/4/2025 

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Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.

Jennifer Weiner

No matter how painful, divorce, like all endings, opens the door to new beginnings.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Would you like to explore specific strategies for implementing any of these areas in your daily life? 

About the Author: Harold Meyer is a leading ADHD expert and author whose work spans books, articles, and practical guides. As a pre-publication reviewer and ADHD Coach Expert, he has shaped the contemporary understanding of attention deficit hyperactivity disorders. His insights have been featured in The New York Times Sunday Magazine, the BBC, and at major ADHD conferences, where he regularly speaks on adult ADHD in the workplace. 

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 Harold Robert Meyer and The ADD Resource Center